My darling girl was born3:23 am, Saturday Dec 19 2009 via c-section. She was 8lbs 2oz, and 19.5 inches long.
I am so happy to have her here after what felt like a long, long wait. I felt so prepared – I had done my reading, my breathing and mental exercises, prenatal yoga – I was READY to have this baby.
Before it happened to me, I kind of believed C-Sections only happened to people who didn’t labor well, or had too many unnecessary interventions. I was so caught up in my natural birth reading that I forgot to take it with a grain of salt, that not all hospitals were evil c-section pushing butchers. I also assumed it couldn’t possibly happen to me, I was so ready to have this baby naturally that I mostly skipped the C-Section chapters in my books. It couldn’t happen.
I was SO impatient to have this baby (as FB friends and blog readers may have noticed). I went into false labor once, and broke down crying the next day in my midwife’s office because she still. wasn’t. here. yet. When I started feeling contractions again I was afraid to get my hopes up. I had spent one day with my stepmom hanging out and running errands so I wouldn’t be alone “in case I went into labor.” I started having contractions again, and I was afraid to believe it was happening, even after 7 hours of chart-able contractions. They did peter out that evening, but picked up again the next morning.
After days of early labor, I finally started “the real thing” Friday evening. I was 3cm dilated when I got to the hospital. The entire time I was really able to stay on top of contractions and breathe through them. I walked, I used the tub, rocked on the birthing ball, and chatted with my mom and SO. It was going well for the most part… I *was* hooked up to an external monitor the whole time, but I didn’t think much of it at first. The baby’s heart rate was dropping at the end of each contraction, but neither my nurse or midwife seemed overly worried about that. The nurse kept telling me that I was amazing, and he had rarely seen someone handle labor so well. (He was GREAT to have around during labor… if anyone reading this has a baby at Boulder Community Foothills, look for Danny in L&D. I loved him).
Around 2 am that changed. I was still dilating well, and staying on top of contractions, but the baby’s heart rate was decelerating more and more. Suddenly there was an internal monitor, and oxygen, and an IV. Before long they were telling me I needed a C Section….. yea I cried.
There were scrubs brought in for my mom and my SO. I had to change into a hospital gown (I was in a birthing skirt and a comfy shirt before) full on with open back. A nice man came to tell me about the spinal he was going to give me. In a small crowd of my midwife, nurse, anesthesiologist, and birth support team, I walked to the OR. Every step felt like I was losing control of my birth, and that it wasn’t mine anymore. I wouldn’t be pushing my little girl out. Someone else would be giving her the entrance into this world.
The OR was bright. And Cold. Bob Marley was playing on a small portable stereo in the corner as people – lots of people – set up. I was so grateful when they turned him off – I really like Bob and didn’t want to associate him with what was happening to me. As I had the spinal inserted, I was already thinking this meant that if I had another baby, it would mean no homebirth, no midwives… just an acronym. VBAC. I’m not really planning on another kid just yet, but I always assumed if one happened I would try for a homebirth next time.
I was scared the spinal couldn’t possibly do enough to numb the pain of having my skin, stomach muscles, and uterus cut open, but they really know what they are doing. I wasn’t even sure when the actual incision was happening. I remember holding my partner’s hand tight, and being so so scared. I kept looking at my mom, who had been through this with my youngest brother. I tried to draw on her strength and the knowledge that she was fine now.
When my baby’s head first came out, and I heard her first cry, the entire experience changed for me. That one little noise took all the fear and hurt, and suddenly I was filled with love. When they pulled her body out, several people made surprised noises, and my SO turned to me and said “She’s HUGE!” They let him trim the umbilical cord (he couldn’t do the initial cut) and took him and our baby to the corner to do hospital-y things. I held my mom’s hand and craned my neck to see her little feet in the air. The eventually let her be brought over to me so I could see her.
It’s a little hard to understand why, when I was “laboring so well”, things can still end in major surgery. It’s hard to let go of the fact that I still don’t know what it’s like to “really” give birth. And I may not ever know.
What is easy is loving this little girl that I am so blessed to have. It’s easy to love my family and friends that have been with me through this all. I know that this will just make me a stronger and better person someday.
Welcome to the world, WeeSprite. You are loved by so many, but especially me.
Hi Morwynne,
Thanks for sharing this. You are a wonderful writer and I was wondering why you all had PPE masks etc. I’m glad Lyra is healthy and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I think you were in the hospital because your higher self knew you needed this protection and as many women will attest, this does not mean you cannot have a home birth next time around!! Everything is for a reason and exactly as it’s meant to be…but you know that! I’m doing a report for another little guy in Oregon whose Mom had the same experience after planning a peaceful home water birth 🙂 And yeah, he was big too!
Lots of Love,
Melody
Hi Morwynne –
First and foremost, congratulations! It’s so very exciting. I know what you mean by skipping the parts you don’t expect to happen. We were like that whenever anyone talked to us about the NICU and multiples. Our guys ended up in the NICU for 2 weeks. It’s a rude awakening when you’re faced with something you don’t expect. I think the most important thing about now is to keep an open mind and be flexible. Things don’t always go as planned, as you well know by now. I’m so very happy that you and Weesprite are happy and healthy.
amy
Welcome, Lyra! My son was a c-section. I knew in advance that it had to be, and I did grieve the natural birth I’d hoped for. But once he was born, all that mattered was that he was healthy and safe. Just the first of many times of giving up the imagined motherhood experience for the reality of being a mom. And it is never what I expect, even now that he’s 18. It is actually so much better most of the time!
What freaks me out is remembering when your mom was pregnant with YOU! That seems like just a little bit ago…
Love you all!
The US has a horrific c-section percentage: BUT! that’s because about half of them are unnecessary – the other half *are* necessary, and thank God in those cases we have the ability.
It’s okay to be disappointed, even in the aftermath of the necessary ones. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Wishing your birth had gone differently doesn’t take away from your joy in your child. 🙂
You are strong, and amazing, you brought this beautiful baby girl into the world! Do not forget that: regardless of anything else, without YOU she would not be here.
Sending love and kindness your way, and strong healing vibes. 😉 You have my e-mail address now, if you find you need an understanding ear you are ALWAYS welcome to e-mail me. 😀
Sasha (from Ravelry)
[…] to you, too. Everyone I know has had a rough 2009, except maybe my daughter who carried and gave birth to her daughter in 2009, you might just recall. So for all of us […]
I can relate to so much of what you have written. When I was pregnant with my first son 9 years ago, I too skipped all the info about c-sections. I came from a long line of women with easy births. It never occurred to me that I’d be any different. But after hours of labor, his heart rate dropped, and I found out I needed a c-section. As disappointed as I was, like you I felt the disappointment melt away when I heard his first cries.
There is no such thing as a “not real” birth experience. No matter how you bring your precious baby into this world–no matter how many people helped you–you’ve had a real birth experience. Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl.
Tracy
(Ingleterra from Ravelry)